Dearest Readers,
I haven’t updated this blog in literally years (it’s actually been mildly amusing to re-read things written by my naïve freshman self), but I needed a forum to vent and post my thoughts. So that’s the only explanation I have.
Some days you wonder what you are doing it all for. Not like I-want-to-end-my-life-what-am-I-living-for, but more of a what am I doing that is going to have any impact? Am I doing what I am passionate about? Who am I really?
And let me tell you, that makes me even less inclined to study for my political science final. Not that I don’t think law and sexuality is relevant, I actually think it is one of the most relevant classes I’ve taken, but what am I going to do with it? How am I going to apply what I have learned in these years of college to do something to improve the world?
Junior year of college is like that, I guess. You come in as a freshman with big ambitions, and then you realize that though they may be attainable, it comes at a cost. Sure, you can spend all of your free time working at a publication, but would you like to have friends, a social life or a significant other? If so, you may want to rethink that bold professional choice.
This is the year I have spent the most time contemplating life beyond college. It’s not that I am scared of the job market or anything (though I probably should be), it’s that I have been questioning how I will make the most out of my time in my early 20s. Those are the years when I can afford to be selfish in my career pursuits. I don’t have to worry about a family that needs my fiscal support.
But the 20s do set the stage for the rest of my life. Should I be thinking grad school, or should I take time off? Should I be considering law school, or do I even like law? How much do I actually love journalism, and what about my other dreams?
What I suffer from is lack-of-inspiration-ism. I am spending all this time trying to receive As in my classes, but how is that actually going to serve me later in life? I sacrifice sleep and more dedication to student organizations to do well in class, but are academics getting in the way of what I really want to do? But that begs the question, what is it I really want to do?
I don’t know why I am currently suffering from these existential musings. I don’t think that they are unique to just me; I know for a fact many friends are going through the same things. It just seems that these thoughts are going to matter more soon. I am proud of the person I have become in college and the things I have pursued, but I am feeling more pressure to figure out big kid things. I need to decide what I want to be when I grow up, because I’m almost to the point where I have to push off and do just that: grow up, outside of the cocoon of academics.
What have other people done to combat this? Have you sat down with someone you trust? Have you read some really awesome book? I would love random pieces of advice.
Sincerely,
Adorkable ... who's older now
Pay attention to your feelings, Cadle. You've been in school (mostly likely) for every year of your life that you can remember in any detail. When have you had free time in a block of any length? What did you spend it doing? Can you break down the primary reasons you would jump into law or grad school immediately?
ReplyDeleteThere are a ton of important things to think about regarding yourself and about what you should expect of life at this juncture. Some of these, in their essence, are as follows:
1) Do you prioritize the A or learning (anything) something meaningful?
2) Did your passions shape your studies, or have your studies shaped your passions?
3) What did you have to sacrifice for the degree framework to which you are committed?
4) What is your approach to following through on the diversity of your interests?
5) What has been really, truly, deeply rewarding for you here at OU, in any sense?
6) Hypothetically, what would you do if post-graduate study was not an option?
This is just food for thought. I still struggle with some of these, but I personally realized that I was ultimately unsatisfied with spending the majority of my energies on reading theoretical approaches to theoretical approaches and then practising methodical regurgitation (paper-writing). I want to be outside. I want to play music. I want to build community and loving relationships and want nothing to do with the crumbling facade of contemporary American politics. Once you REALIZE and ACCEPT your greatest frustrations with life as it is, as well as the tallest dreams for life as it could be, you open yourself up to a positive feedback loop where opportunities you could never have imagined open up continuously.
OU students are insular by design. New students are forced to live in dorms and eat in dining halls, discouraging adventure into the city and county. Our administration enforces a habit of making friends with people very similar to yourself, making it a non-priority to meet and engage with community members. I think this is a huge element to your discontent--the thought of more school probably curdles your innards, but because you are surrounded only by students who are grappling with similar problems and the faculty and staff which in many cases are comfortable ONLY with higher-learning institutions, you have no real way to find traction thinking about other life-ways. But trust me, they exist. You can do anything and you will do lots of things--it is really important to meditate on your passions outside of an educational framework. Don't be scared of what you're thinking. Be honest with yourself. The rest of your life is on the line!!
I have been thinking about all of this stuff so much for over two years. If you want to talk more get ahold of me.
Ben K
Ben, I can't thank you enough for your comment. It really got me thinking. I would love to meet up and chat more about this, but I want some me time to consider your questions first. thanks for your input and insight. helpful, as always.
ReplyDeleteWe are far too similar sometimes. Where to begin?
ReplyDeleteFor me, it goes back to the quintessential lebo upbringing: boundless opportunities. But it also goes back to the mother of all consequence: money.
My time in Spain has certainly been something of an experience. Yes, I take classes. Yes, I'm attempting to learn a language. But the academic rigor here is pathetically lacking. Thus, I find myself planning, assiduously, the fine details of my next 5 years constantly during class. I cannot tell you how many revisions in I am at this point, but let's just say my future has certainly been at the forefront of all my thoughts recently.
I don't remember if I told you, but I lost my scholarship to JHU due to reasons unbeknownst. Thus, economics are also shaping my future, more than I ever would have dreamed before.
So now, all options are on the table for my upcoming semesters and summer. Graduate early to save money? Continue practicing Spanish and travel to Latin America? Start volunteering again and make community impacts? Enjoy my last free summer and go hiking in Alaska? Get a real internship on Capitol Hill? Stay in Pittsburgh and find a non-profit? Stay in Baltimore and take summer classes?
And the academic questions also arise: How important is a high GPA? Shouldn't I take an intro to business class, just in case? Will I actually be able to get a double-major and minor, while graduating early?
Then real, professional questions... Shouldn't everyone learn how to teach? Teach for America sounds good, right? And could I ever handle the Peace Corps? Am I smart enough to win a Fullbright? Should I look into the Foreign Service Exam? What about Grad schools? What about NGO's? Do I have any connections I should use? Should I be making connections right now?
While abroad, I have worked more on my resume than ever before. Also, I've skyped with my career center twice and applied to two different jobs back home. Shouldn't I be enjoying myself? Isn't this a vacation, basically?
But then... what if I miss that opportunity? What if I miss that deadline, sign up for the wrong class, or forget what my true passions are?
Life has a way of shaping itself. Never before did I think I'd graduate early, but now it's a major consideration. And I never considered teaching English in Latin America, but why not? Now that I'm fairly good with Spanish, that sounds sweet. So I'm keeping every option on the table. I'm applying to everything and constantly talking to new people about new opportunities. Research grants? Jobs? Different locales, different positions....
It's exhausting. And like now, it keeps taking my mind off some other things I really should be doing, but alas, it's important. It's our future.